Because No Break-Down Is Complete Without a Break-Up

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This summer has been the hardest 3 months of my life. I’m not sad to see it go.

My boyfriend (let’s call him “C”) of 3.5 years broke up with me. I wish I could say it was a mutual break-up, but that’s not entirely true. Although it was amicable, it was his decision to end it. If it were up to me, it wouldn’t have happened now – maybe not ever. With so much of my life being uncertain right now, I wasn’t ready for my love life to fall apart much like my career and mental well-being has.

But, I think he did the right thing.

I don’t blame him for ending it. I’ve known on some level that things weren’t right for a while now. I just kept holding onto the notion that it’s my life that’s so fucked right now, and once I get back on track so will this relationship. But it’s been well over a year. The crippling migraines that started last July were quickly joined by numerous stress-induced physical and mental problems that I blame on being over-worked, underpaid, and under-appreciated in a toxic work environment. But I’ve hated my job for over 2 years and only started looking for a new job 9 months ago. Why did I wait? Why did sacrifice so much (if not all) of myself for such a shitty job, and shitty pay check?

I wish I could push the rewind button on my life and start looking after myself much, much sooner than I did.

I haven’t been happy in at least a year. Sure there are good days, but overall, I’ve been miserable all this time. I don’t blame him at all for wanting out. I know how hard it is to have friends that are dealing with depression – especially those that don’t do anything to get better. I can’t imagine what it’s like for your partner to be that person.

I am, surprisingly, handling this a lot better than I thought I would have – but it’s still incredibly hard. (Maybe I’m stronger than I thought?)

He’s been my person for so long, and now he’s just… not. Although we didn’t really talk a lot about our future, I still had plans for us. Now I’m left with an ever-growing list of things we never got to do together, and things we’ll never do together again.

I’m grateful that C’s not big on social media, but my cell phone has since been attached to my hip. I’ve never had to deal with the incessant need to text someone during a break-up before. We didn’t text each other much as a couple, but now that’s all I want to do. Instead, I’ve been keeping a notepad with me and have been writing all 92 things I want to say to him in the last 12 days – from “fuck you” to “thank you”.

But I’m not mad at him – and FYI calling him an asshole doesn’t help me.  I start defending him and thus remember all the wonderful things about him and miss him when I should be focusing on the reality that it just wasn’t right, somehow.

He’s actually been really good at helping me deal with this. He came over for about an hour a few days after we broke-up, and has responded to the very few texts that I have sent. I really hope that that’s a sign that we will be able to be friends… I can handle not being his girlfriend, but I can’t handle not having him in my life at all.

Similarly, I can handle being single, but the being alone part is overwhelming.

I truly appreciate all the texts, Tweets, messages, Skype dates, emails and genuine concern from everyone. But it’s just not the same – I’m still sitting alone in my apartment. I needed that at first, but now I’m constantly longing for the days where I had 5 roommates and someone was always around to watch movies or America’s Next Top Model with. But the only friends here that I have, that aren’t “his friends”, are people I work(ed) at the theatre with (two of them have kids my age). My “work mom” has dragged me out of the house a few times and arranged a little dinner get-together for a few of us, which was an immense help. And then two of us ended up at the strip club on Friday night. (For real.) But that’s about the extent of what’s left of my social life.

It’s true what they say – the only thing that really helps is time. And Netflix. I’m already sleeping a bit better (after moving my bed and getting new bedding), eating again, and occasionally leaving the house on my own. It’s still lonely, and scary, and incredibly sad to think about it though. I miss him. I miss being his person.

cats-quit

About the Author
Owner & Writer at | Website

Amanda is the owner and creator of My Life, I Guess... a personal finance and lifestyle blog that started back in 2013. She strives to keep the "person" in personal finance by writing about money, mistakes and making the most of it.

 

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26 thoughts on “Because No Break-Down Is Complete Without a Break-Up

  1. Debt and the Gril

    I sent you an email about this. FYI

    Reply

    1. Amanda

      Thank you! I have every intention of responding as soon as I can wrap my head around it.

      Reply

  2. Michelle

    I’m so sorry. Please let me know if you need to talk.

    Reply

    1. Amanda

      Thanks Michelle. I will!

      Reply

  3. CeCe @Pink Sunshine

    So sorry to hear this. Break ups are hard but time will heal. It hurts like hell for a while but it will get better. It was fear that kept you in that crappy job but hopefully things will turn around and you won’t have to go back. Hang in there. Rock bottom sucks but things can only get better from here. Strip club? Ha ha. Sometimes girls just wanna have fun!

    Reply

    1. Amanda

      Thansk CeCe. My friend is goign through a break-up too, so he took me to the strip club. It was so nice to just get out and do something so completely bizaar like that!

      Reply

  4. Leah

    I’ve been following along with you and your blog for a little bit now, so sorry to hear about this. I know it’s hard, but I strongly believe everything happens for a reason. Hugs to you.

    Reply

    1. Amanda

      Thanks Leah. I know it’s for the best, it’s just hard to process. One day I’ll look back and be grateful for all it’s taught me. Hopefully that days comes soon!

      Reply

  5. anna

    I’m really sorry to hear you’re going through this. I do agree to just take it a day at a time, even an hour at a time (I also agree about Netflix, if only for distraction or to fill some space). I know I don’t really know you, but I’m here if you ever need to talk. Take good care of yourself.

    Reply

    1. Amanda

      Thanks so much Anna. I love how supportive the blogging world is!

      Reply

  6. debtfreeoneday

    I’m so sorry to read that you and your boyfriend have split. :( Try to keep busy and see you friends whenever possible. Time is a healer although it might not seem like it now.

    Reply

    1. Amanda

      It is getting easier every day. I still slip, but that’s to be expected. Thank you.

      Reply

  7. Janine

    I hope things start to look up, hope you go my email. Please let me know if there is anything i can do <3

    Reply

    1. Amanda

      Thanks so much for the email Janine. I know I didn’t respond, but it was a huge help.
      Incidently, congrats on 3 years with your man! <3

      Reply

  8. Debbie

    I’m so sorry that happened Amanda. Life never seems to be easy, and when we think things are bad it just throws us another crappy curve ball to let us know that it can definitely be worse.

    If you did still live in a house with 5 roommates, I know exactly what we’d be doing: OTH marathon! Try it :)

    Reply

    1. Amanda

      I really wish life would only throw us one problem at a time!
      I didn’t watch any OTH (I sold my DVDs a few years back), but I have been marathoning the crap out of a lot of British TV. Still wouild be great to have the company though!

      Reply

  9. Elena

    Hey there! I just wanted to say thanks for the follow on Pinterest; I’m following you back! Have a great Wednesday!

    croppedstories@gmail.com

    Reply

  10. Sara Hamil @ They Call it Gumption

    Ugh, oh God. Amanda, I am truly and sincerely sorry. And I’m not just saying that because that’s what people are expected to say at times like this. I just very much feel what you’ve gone through and I know how hard it is. And you’re right – nothing anyone says or does is going to make the hurt go away (expect time and Netflix) but I want to let you know that you’re loved anyway <3

    Reply

    1. Amanda

      Thanks Sarah. I’ve been amazed and feeling truley blessed for how kind and supposrtive everyone has been. Even though most of my “support team” was behind a screen, it still helped immensely.

      Reply

  11. KK @ Student Debt Survivor

    I’ve had two really difficult breakups in my past. Both made me feel like I wanted to crawl under a rock and die. I remember my girlfriends taking me out about a month after my hs boyfriend broke up with me. I heard someone say his name (not even referring to my ex but just another guy who happened to have the same name) and I broke down and tears on the spot. Also, I hear you on the text thing. When my ex broke up with me all I wanted to do was talk to him (the irony). It will get better with time, Hang in there!

    Reply

    1. Amanda

      Thanks!
      I’ve had some other pretty major but very postive life changes recently that has helped me move on. So far, me and the ex have been able to remain friendly which helps a lot as well.

      Reply

    2. Amanda

      Most days I feel pretty alright about things, and can even talk about it/him without getting sad. But there still are those triggers every now and then. Thankfully I’m in a new job so my whole routine is different now too.

      Reply

  12. Karen

    Hey, I found your website from you favouriting one of my tweets. Just wanted to add my words of support. It really sucks going through a break-up. After a five year relationship that wasn’t meant to be, I jumped into another relationship soon after because I couldn’t handle being single at the time. It wasn’t a healthy relationship and ended badly. Keep busy, keep blogging and you’ll get through it. :)

    Reply

    1. Amanda

      Thanks Karen. I’ve seen you/your blog around the PF-blogsphere. Glad to finally “meet” :)
      Thankfully I’ve been very busy with a new job, and getting involved in other things now that I’m not working 60 hours a week like I was at my last job. If only my internet at home would start working, I’d be blogging and blog-reading all the time!

      Reply

  13. Joanna

    The only thing that can heal a broken heart is time. There is no magic cure. That’s what my grandma once told me and that’s what I’m going to tell my child one day. By now, you probably know it yourself and it would great to read a follow-up to this blog post:) Best wishes!

    Reply

  14. Heidi C.

    Break-ups are so difficult but it sounds like you are handling this one so well! Thank Goodness for Netflix!

    Reply

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